What does virginity mean to a queer person, who may never have vaginal intercourse in her/his/hir life? What of a lesbian who chooses to never engage in any sort of penetrative sex act her entire life, does she remain some sort of super, extra virgin? If a straight man receives a blowjob, he will in all likelihood still consider himself a virgin, but a gay man receiving a blowjob may have a more complicated understanding of what it means for his sex life. In many ways, our conception of “virginity” erases or invalidates queer sex.
Boys are rarely told that their virginity is a gift, or indeed that their sexuality is about “giving” something to another person – lightly or not. Boys “get laid”, “get lucky”, “get some”. They “take a girl’s virginity”, “take advantage”; if they’re thoughtful, they “take their time”. Boys are not taught to think of themselves or their virginity as something to be offered up, unwrapped and enjoyed.
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Emily Maguire in ‘Like a Virgin’ for The Monthly (via monocled—misanthrope) basically, young (cis) boys are taught to be predators. young (cis) girls are taught to be prey. (via deliciouskaek) Yep, and cis girls who speak of their own pleasure as a priority are immediately demonized for the temerity of seeing their bodies as their own. Meanwhile cis boys are supposed to seek pleasure at every opportunity. (via karnythia) And people have the nerve to say it’s based on human nature when these ideas seep out of just about every pore of our environment and culture even in non-sexual, pre-puberty situations (there’s the whole “if a little boy harasses a little girl it means he likes her, how adorable, let’s not punish him for it even if it’s making her upset” shit- he’s the aggressor going after her attention, she’s the passive recipient who doesn’t have an active role except to ‘reward’ him with attention), pretty much beating it into our heads from since before we can remember, making it seem obvious and natural. |
I think the concept of virginity was created by men who thought their penises were so important it changes who a woman is.
realist shit I have ever read.
Yes. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
How does the virginity thing even work broadly? Hello, very much into women here. Most women don’t have penises. I prefer saying “I’ve never had sex” to calling myself a virgin because I might never lose my ‘virginity’ as I’ve been taught to understand it (an understanding I don’t know I can change because it’s not even about some unfortunate history behind the word, it’s the widely used present meaning), even if I had lots of lovely sex with lots of lovely ladies who I nonetheless didn’t want to civil-union.
Also, I have always hated, hated, hated the legs shut thing. Especially when I was little and my mom told me to stop because girls don’t do that and telling me “that’s just the way it is” when I complained that boys sat legs apart all the time. And then when I didn’t listen she would get closer and closer to shaming me for being immoral, wrong or not a good girl without actually saying it. She didn’t need to because by then the meaning was implicit to me. I was five. I kept doing it out of indignation. She eventually gave up, but as she stopped caring and indignation became less of a motive, I started to worry every time I realized my knees were like an inch apart. And nowadays I leave them like that out of indignation still, only crossing my legs when I damn well feel like it.
If you wanted, you could sit there with your legs wide apart still waiting for that one special person. It’s not an invitation for sex. It’s reclining comfortably. Spread the word.
VIRGINITY IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT
Virginity:
- is sexist
- is heteronormative
- commodifies sex
- commodifies young cis-het white women
- contributes to rape culture
- contributes to slut-shaming
- erases queer folk
- erases transfolk
- frames a woman’s worth as inversely proportional to the number of dicks that have been inside her
Virginity can’t even begin to cover the massive range of sexual experiences, being as based in straight penis-in-vagina (probably missionary too, the bastards) sex as it is. People try to modify it, with “backdoor virginity” and “real sex” and different degrees of virginity (“half a virgin”) and all those other ghastly terms, but really, when people refer to the Big V they’re talking about cis, straight, reproductive type sex. The stuff marriages and houses full of kids and serious life commitments are made of! Because that’s the optimal experience! People don’t have to say it out loud for us to get the message, that there’s Sex, and then there are the cute alternatives that can’t match up to the real thing. Virginity is all tied up in that.
Don’t even get me started on the history of women faking hymen breakage over the centuries with animal blood/making small cuts on themselves, because the hymen myth and the historical treatment of women as goods that aren’t to be sullied is an entire article in itself and I cannot be arsed. Better, far more informed writers have written a billion articles and I want sleep.
My dad often comments on “waiting until marriage”.
The number one thing he says always bothers me:
“Well if you just go and have sex with a guy, he has nothing to stick around for, does he?”
Let me just list the issues I have with this statement. My father, by saying this, is showing his belief in one or more of the following ideas:
- That I’m an idiot. As someone that does not easily give away sexual interactions, I’m not just going to throw my virginity to the dogs. I’m not going to just go out and have sex with the first guy I meet. I don’t have a problem with women that do that, but it’s my choice not to. I personally would never have sex with someone unless I was either sure that person loved me or I was at least in full knowledge of the fact that it is a mutual temporary fling. Sometimes you stay in a relationship for a long time and the guy still leaves right after he “gets what he wants from you”, but I like to think that I have good enough judgement to find someone that will respect me. I would never even consider dating someone that gave even the slightest hint that he was dating me because of sexual favors I was giving him. Seriously, do you really think I’m that stupid? The kind of guy I’m looking for is honest, respectful, and loving. The kind of guy I’m looking for would never do that. And if he would, I wouldn’t be dating him. If he somehow deceives me long enough that I believe him and he leaves me behind after “getting what he wants”, it’s not going to be the end of my life. Valuable lesson learned, and you move on.
- That no guy would ever marry me for any other reason but sex. Apparently the rest of me isn’t good enough to stick around for once he’s fucked me senseless. My sense of humor, my kick ass gaming skills, my love for different cultures and languages, my passion for art and helping other people? Yeah, who gives a fuck. That ring’s only on my finger because of the awesome pussy that guy was waiting for.
- All guys are like this. Mostly, I think he thinks this way because he IS this way, in which case I feel really bad for my mom. I saw how she married a dick, I saw how both my grandma’s married dicks, and I see how my sister married a dick. I’ve seen enough bad husband material to know when a see a good guy and a bad guy, no matter how bright and shiny his personality might seem. I refuse to be a part of this cycle, even if that means I never get married.
- That sex is something that should define relationships. I’m not saying that sex isn’t important, of course it is. But it shouldn’t be the reason you’re in a relationship. It shouldn’t be the reason you stay or leave someone. I mean, if there’s some kind of real problem that just makes it obvious that there is no chemistry, I think that’s something that you both seriously need to talk about. That being said, if I found out or even think for a moment that the guy I’m with might only be with me because he gets to bone me, we have a serious problem and that might not be the relationship for me.
- That sex isn’t an act of mutual, non-physical connection. People can definitely have casual sex, but I don’t care what you say, it creates a connection between you and another person. Whoever I end up having sex with, I’ll be having sex with because I feel more than physical attraction with. Not all people have to be raging animals driven by hormones. It’s not something that I would let just anyone come and take from me. That’s what we call rape, people. If we don’t have that underlying connection, I won’t be having sex with them. Making a statement like that makes it sound like sex is something that should be given to a guy, and if you’re not married he’s just going to take a swig of whiskey, light up a cigarette and zip up his pants on the way out the door. Sex is more than a physical giving. It’s a mutual trust. It’s a mutual love.
Basically, my dad is an idiot.
